Monday, April 30, 2007

Literary Pursuits

Books that make you want to read them. I'd like to get a copy of...

this and this

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Really. What could you call this but "Love"?

"It is easy to love those who live far away. It is not always easy to love those who live right next to us. It is easier to offer a dish of rice to meet the hunger of a needy person than to comfort the loneliness and the anguish of someone in our own home who does not feel loved"

"From the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. If you heart is full of love, you will speak of love. I want you all to fill your hearts with great love. Don't imagine that love, to be true and burning must be extraordinary. No; what we need in our love is the continuous desire to love the One we love."

Mother Theresa, No Greater Love

Last night these words got a hold of me and made me ask a lot of questions of myself and my pursuit to go to Maui for some religious purpose. The whole time I've been finding myself needing to remind myself that if I went to that island with arrogance... What would be the point of that? I knew that if I went like that I might be claiming to represent God and the right (Postmodern? Oh the irony.) way of living the gospel, but it would be empty. He has reminded me time and time again that it is not by my strength that anything good will happen and that I still don't really know anything that is about to unfold.

I've already written about wondering if I'm doing the right thing. What I haven't realized was that in all of that calculating the yes or no I began to be very analytical about my faith and very far from a relationship to God. Obviously that's the opposite of what I was looking for because I have been asking to Know Him better because of this trip, not worse. And that's very frustrating. I've found myself angry at God that I'm not getting closer.

I know how oblivious to reality that sounds now, but at the time...

I was led to the realization that I'm going to talk about the Love of Jesus, but that's a very theoretical statement for me. Not simply because of the intellectual, "modern", "Western" approach to our faith that I've traditionally blamed. It's also very much that I have an exceptionally vague understanding of what it is to love and to be loved.

Why?

Plenty of reasons, but the reason of the day is that when I was growing up as an only child I pushed my parents away. I didn't let them express their love. And they didn't make me let them. I don't fully know why, but that's what happened.

So, if I'm going to go express love I have to receive God's love. That sounds easy, but it isn't How do I receive it from Him if I haven't accepted it from my parents. I have some things to work through with them. It may take a long time.

In the process I became aware of the realities and problems of being followers of Jesus, and agents of the kingdom in our generation. The biggest is that we are being asked to share the good news of God's love and to show it, but love has been such a damaged and distant concept in our lives.

Here's where this becomes more than a personal problem. Have you ever hear (or said, like me) that the problems with American Christians that they will give money and food, but are reluctant to get involved? Consider this:

If your parents showed love by providing money and stuff, but not being present that's probably how you're going to engage in the work of God. It won't be joyful. It won't be satisfying to your soul. It will be guilt driven and measured by the "results" you are looking for. It won't be love. It will be very familiar. (a clever, but unintentional pun, by the way)

My parents weren't absent. My painful memories are more moments and less spans. So my misunderstanding of love is less damaging. Still, I find myself with some disconnect; with a bit more theoretical, theological love and a bit less of the practical kind.

There are plenty of options that will make me feel somewhat fulfilled. They follow the same entertaining options that we've been buying for ourselves and our kids for a few generations now. Some are even approved by the church. But they won't work. The only thing that will work is taking the risk to receive love from God and the people He put in our lives to love us. It will be unlike we've ever noticed before. Then we'll be able to love others out of the love we've received. And only then do I think we will finally be fulfilled.

What amazes me is that I've had two separate paths of progressive understanding moving in my life. One of a need for generosity and the other of a need to investigate the damage done in our past. This is where they meet. This is why psychoanalytical healing is more than just humanism; why it is spiritual; why it matters to the kingdom of heaven. But it also illustrates the responsibility of pursuit of emotional healing not just as an end but as part of the redemption of the whole world.

posted by Scott # 10:22 AM 0 comments

Thursday, April 19, 2007

The next step

It would be a shame to make too big of a deal over this. It's probably one of the less creative posts to date. But five minutes ago I purchased a one-way ticket to Maui. I know that I'm about to embark on a journey I need to take. That journey now has the most definitive date it has ever held: June 4, 2007.

May God be praised.

Pray for me.

posted by Scott # 5:04 PM 0 comments

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Today is a day I just need to write.

I've been thinking about one thing quite a bit. It's as if the only thing I needed was an answer, but we all must know by now that it isn't true. I have an answer and that isn't enough.

Answers are never enough. My answer is that I will be going to Maui and honestly I enjoyed the seeking my Father's voice for the answer more than I'm enjoying the answer right now. I imagine that if you'd asked me at the time I might not have said so because some of it was painful to go through, but the moments of joy carried me on.

So, having spent myself emotionally I need to do something to fill my "joy tank" as my friend, Todd, likes to call it.

What I am realizing is that my joy tank is filled so much faster when something is coming out of me than when something is going in. Whether it be a doodle on a scrap of paper that turns into a beautiful artistic idea (I am so fascinated sometimes by the way the thick and thin of a pen stroke can dance in such tension) snapping a good photograph, holding a good conversation or jotting one of these notes.

I can tell you about projects that I dreamed up in my head to do artistically like doing a photo series of myself just to get past my self-consciousness or a series of designs around the theme of ecological stewardship. I even have a series planned that could very well turn into my friends album cover.

But I haven't done any of them yet.

Today I need to write.

This morning in our men's group at church we talked about excellence. At work I find that it's been a while since I've brought excellence here. After a while the short nights and office politics drain that out of you. Because God knows how to get me to learn something He had me be the one to talk about it and I ended up meditating on the lives of Abraham, Jacob, Joseph and David. All of them in some way were set apart for how they gave blessings to those who employed them and how all of their employers eventually noticed "Hey. I'm being blessed by God because of this guy."

I've been thinking about that and trying to press through. Trying to give more excellence to my employer. But it finally occurred to me that in order for me to be creative for someone else I have to take a moment and be creative just because.

So I wrote.

posted by Scott # 4:30 PM 0 comments