Monday, March 17, 2008

20-some photos

Last night I took 20-some pictures of a sunset. I saw the sunset happening. Cindy Lu, our driver sped through the trees looking for a vista to catch it from and when we got out, I grabbed my camera and bracketed, zoomed and panned to try to catch in ones and zeros what my eyes were seeing.

And I was a bit frustrated.

I've become a bit jaded to the sunset in Maui because of this frustration. Out here they have a certain character and most will have this beautiful combination of mauve-grey-purple against a vibrant orange and -- in one small area -- a band of cyan that, compared to all the other colors, looks green. It's every bit as hard to capture in a jpg file as it is to describe in words. But that's the "Maui Brand™" sunset and it happens more days than it doesn't. It's a beautiful sunset and I spend most of my sunset viewing time thinking about how I can't capture it on film.

But this isn't about sunsets. It's about my emotions. I haven't had many lately. A few moments of intense release. Many moons of anxiety about money. A lot of weariness. In general emotions that are seldom about now. Occasionally I have those moments where a bubble of realization rises up and I think "Awesome. I am on an island in the middle of the Pacific." Every so often I realize that I'm living exactly the kind of life that I'd hoped I'd live. But now that I am I realize that I don't do much to enjoy it.

In the first week of January 2008 became the year of the Joy Project. I like the irony in making joy a goal or a project, but it sounds a little absurd to me. Joy, the most spontaneous and sometimes fleeting of emotions... as a goa?. But yes, for me, this year I'm going to become a more joyful, grace-giving and perseverant person.

...even if it kills me

I returned to Kalamazoo a few weeks ago to visit my family and as I did I had an opportunity to talk to some lovely folks back home and I started to appreciate that God has made happen all sorts of things that I could only have hoped were His will a year ago. I made the move. I have a place to live. I've experience reliance on Him in new and unexpected ways. Now I'm starting a job that is exactly what I've wanted to do and what I've felt like He's wanted me to do for several years.

But the trip home was the first time in a while that I'd let myself be present enough to understand that. It's a realization also that's proven difficult to hold onto because there are so many things to deal with that I often find myself thinking about everything but. My thoughts and emotions don't seem to be in very good alignment with what's actually going on right now.

A coworker who practices Zen said once that too many people live lives governed by their emotions and the goal is to transcend those. But I've been getting further and further from my emotions and I miss them. They help me a lot when they're working right. Lately it's only my intellect that tells me things are good and often only after the fact. I don't feel moments much. So, I want my emotions. I just want them to be more right for what's really going on instead of what I think is or will be going on.

So when a beautiful sunset is going on, I'd really like to be thinking about more than trying to take pictures.

I took 20-some pictures of a sunset because I wanted to "capture a moment". Sometimes I think that's more a way of saying save this moment for later.

But it's happening now, isn't it.

Will I enjoy it later if I don't enjoy it now?

I took 20-some pictures of a sunset because I'm not ready for it right now.

I took 20-some pictures of a sunset because I want others to see what I'm seeing.

But they aren't here and photos don't do justice to that little hint of cyan. Of course, I know that because I was there.

I took 20-some pictures of a sunset because it's beautiful. That's all. Just beautiful.

I do feel good about this, but are photos the best way to enjoy beauty?

I took 20-some pictures of a sunset because I could. Because I did have friends with me willing to stop. Even wanting to stop. And I had a camera.

I took 20-some pictures of a sunset and I started to write about it. Writing about it made me think that maybe my life is a little out of balance. Realizing that kept me going a little longer on the 2008 Joy Project. And somewhere down the road I guess I realize that the reason that I took 20-some pictures of a sunset is bigger than I really know how to explain; that somehow it has something to do with eternity.

posted by Scott # 1:08 AM

Comments: Post a Comment

<< Home