Friday, October 19, 2007

...even in rest

I've been afraid to look at my blog. Last night I had the address partially typed in and I was too ashamed to finish. Part of that is how long it's been, but also partly because of why I've waited so long.

The easy part to talk about is that my previous job kept me so tired all the time that I was just barely hanging on to myself. I was working a graveyard shift, getting up at 1:00 a.m. My mind was dull and didn't have room to consider much about Jesus or even the greater purpose of my life. Time that could have been for sitting in prayer or even meditating on some good thing was all lost to naps that didn't refresh and anxious thoughts that wouldn't leave me alone.

Part of the deliverance of the Israelites in Egypt was a deliverance from being too busy to worship God. So, who was my Pharaoh?

I remember having a feeling inside me somewhere when I first took the job at Maui Downhill that I shouldn't do so. I remember feeling very little peace about it and even thinking that the Spirit was telling me not to, but I did anyway.

Why? Because I was afraid. I was afraid to pass up a job opportunity because the money was getting low. Never mind that the inner voice had become more and more Spirit led, very faithful to God and good to me. Never mind that I had long theoretically known how valuable sleep can be to being whole. Never mind that I'd come out here to make myself more available to and dependent on God than ever before.

Yes, this was the easy part to talk about.

The hard part is what started to happen as I became more worn out and more separated from what little support I had developed here. First I became more and more anxious and I started to see little compromises. The ultimate of those compromises was that I started to allow the old path of pornography back in. And since I already felt alone and isolated I just kept that to myself. I didn't tell anyone. I didn't confess. I didn't let any of that poison out. Eventually I felt jealous of godly people and became more and more critical. Scripture and the voice of God seemed more distant.

I've been told in the past that I'm hard on myself and I know from experience that if people looked in on what I actually did there are many who'd say it wasn't that bad of a backslide. But as Charlie and I were discussing yesterday, there is no one more miserable than a follower of Jesus engaged in sin.

I do have things with that job and many other things in the last two months. I've seen moments of inspiration and God has loved me, causing me to see good things even at a job I shouldn't have taken. But because of the tiredness of the job and the way I'd gotten astray there hasn't been much to write here. I haven't had much to say. Considering how much God has used my writings to glorify Himself and strengthen others I regret that.

"Unless the Lord builds the house,
They labor in vain who build it;
Unless the Lord guards the city,
The watchmen keep awake in vain.
It is vain for you to rise up early,
To retire late (lit. to delay sitting)
To eat the bread of painful labors;
For He gives to His beloved even in his sleep"
(alt. trans.= He gives sleep to His beloved"
Psalm 127:1-2

posted by Scott # 3:20 PM

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