Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Then it sprouts...

I've been really anxious lately. There is a long list of things to do and it means that some things have to get put off. Good things. Things worth doing, but things that can't be done RIGHT NOW: The power steering leak has to be fixed. I should sand that. What was that thing I was going to write down? Call Charlie.

So these things get scheduled or planned (yes, there's a difference, I've discovered): I'll do this on Wednesday evening and that has to happen at lunch today. Then if I can get that done, I'll be able to do this other thing, but I need money first so I have to wait for payday which is Thursday so...

Not a whole lot is happening "now". "Now" all I'm doing is thinking about "it". "It" isn't getting done and you know what happens if "it" doesn't get done. Not a whole lot, which as I said is what is happening "now."

This is where I reluctantly bring up prayer. Reluctantly because I [sigh] am very weary of being told to pray. We offer "prayer" to one another so flippantly sometimes that I can at once be saddened and offended when someone tells me "you should pray about that." There are lots of books written about it. A few are actually good. Most are poorly written and try to change by manipulation and coercion. And what you end with is often simply more of what you started with.

For example there's the prayer where you list everything you need and walk away and that really doesn't work. I mean, perhaps what we ask for happens and perhaps God is the one making that happen. You get what you wanted.

But if you dance long enough it always rains.

I don't want to condemn anyone's hearts in writing about prayer. But if you start with a list of reason's to pray or steps of how to pray is it unreasonable to expect that you're going to get people praying with lists and steps. We are bearing the fruit we're planting.

Still, I bring up prayer despite my reluctance because of what happens when I actually pray: when I step outside the cycle of frantic inaction and hectic, impotent striving and...

I am.

When is it that I connect with the Living God as a Father; as someone that loves me?

When is it enough? When can I stop and believe that even if I don't get it done or sell this or make that call that things can still turn out the way they're supposed to?

When do I remember why I started in the first place?

When do I remember all the good things? When to I actually get to be thankful? Content? Fulfilled?

When do I reconnect to what matters? When do I take time to think about who I am; want to be; was made to be? When do I plan to be that? When do I mourn that I haven't or celebrate that I have?

When do I heal? When do I forgive so that I can move on?

When does it all mean something?

The hope is that this thing that's been called prayer is an opportunity for "now" to stop being a point on a clock or a calendar and become a moment. Because moments are different. Inside the vast, dirty, smelly mess of time you find this something that's alive and it grows and it bears fruit. That's a moment. We need them. We need many of them.

To use the metaphor, seeds don't always sprout so you have to scatter a lot of them around. Some will fall in good places. Some bad.

Meaning is never an accident, it just isn't always where you planned to find it.

But I also bring up prayer despite my reluctance because last night for the first time in a while I took a moment. When I couldn't get to sleep because of all the things I had in my head I finally took a moment. I addressed some words to God as a Father and just started saying and considering what was on my mind. I started to let go of this and that. I remembered all the things that I had been praying for, but was still anxiously working over in my mind. I thought about whether I thought God cared about them and whether I thought He'd take care of them and if it really mattered that He hadn't done so yet.

I waited a little.

Then I slept.

No thoughts racing. No plans being made. For the first time in weeks I woke up and though my body was tired everything was OK.

posted by Scott # 11:34 AM

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