Tuesday, February 27, 2007

[untitled]

The story of Jonah
Anxieties about a job
Wondering if I'm praying "enough"
Anxieties about my motives
My growing tendency to talk when I don't know what to say
Anxieties that don't seem to be tied to anything
Depression for what seems like no reason at all
The wounds of all the relationships that haven't worked out
Missing the trees because of the forrest
trying to "hold it together" for small group
Achievement
Apathy
Incessant self analysis
And a pervasive mental image of the apartment complex I lived in while in Seattle.

The above is a list of things I've felt in the last two weeks. I really don't get that last one.

Today is the day that everything seems to turn around and you wonder what happened. It seems too easy that the list isn't still happening. Today is the day where the mystery is why good things happen at all.

Today I want to write. I actually desire to. That's been impossible to find for many days. The kind of writing that has the rhythm of my soul. The way I normally talk when I'm myself. I could probably play guitar today. I can definitely doodle. I'm enjoying music again.

May this be the freedom I take it to be.

I've been speaking big of freedom lately. The freedom that God is a Father and actually loves us. The freedom that religion doesn't understand. The freedom to do something I want to do and still be pleasing to God and a good person. The freedom so free that even though it's mine I can't control it myself. Grace so expensive that I can't make it come.

It just does.

That list above is two weeks of finding out that there are reasons we don't experience that freedom that all the poets, preachers and philosophers (like myself) say we're supposed to.

Today is the day to realize that it's a very arrogant thing to look down on anyone you think isn't experiencing freedom. Today is the day to feel "wicked" for ever saying that you don't think someone has enough faith. Today is the day when you realize how satanic it would be for a church to say we must never face hardships or that there are numbered steps to get out of pain.

Today is a day where you see that God is completely unpredictable and that's a much better thing than we ever could have hoped for.

posted by Scott # 11:06 AM

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