Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Contract

I remember hearing Don Golden from Mars Hill talking about his contract with the cosmos. The idea that in order to justify his existence something was expected of him. His was that he must keep his family together. If he didn't he would be considered a failure. To who I don't know. The consequences of failure, equally undefined. I won't tell the whole story because you can hear it from him on the Mars Hill website on the February 26th recording.

That contract idea came to me today because I think I have one too. I think my contract has been to convince other people that I am a "good boy" and a "nice guy". The strange thing is that unlike Don's Storey. I don't feel like I've failed. I think most folks would say that I am "good" and "nice". I've fulfilled my contract. So the two questions are, "so what?" and, "why don't I feel like a good boy or a nice guy?"

The answer to the first question, "so what?" is another question: is my life any better because I've found out how to convince people that I am what I've been told I'm supposed to be. It's also whether God cares. Did He write the contract?

I guess I assumed He did though I never thought to ask. So as I was writing this today I began thinking about this the certificate of debt Paul describes to the Colossians. I had to look it up again (Colossians 2:14 if you need to find it) and as I did I began to notice some things.

I don't think these were Jewish believers. They were probably Gentiles. They wouldn't have grown up with Torah so their debt wouldn't have been to the Law. What would their debt be to? Did they know? That's something I want to find out.

But as for the second question, "why don't I feel like a good boy and a nice guy?" the answer is easy. I'm not either of those things. I never really wanted to be. I want to be good, but not in the way the title "good boy" usually denotes. I do not care to be well behaved or polite. I'd rather be anything-but most of the time. What I want is to act anyway my heart desires and have that be good.

I definitely am tired of being "nice". That word originally had a connotation of ignorance. I'm pretty far from ignorant. Now it's more of an excuse to be written off for one reason or another.

From here I could ramble on about "nice guy" syndrome and it's effects on dating, but I don't feel like throwing a pity party. I don't much even care about dating right now.

My point - because I need to remind myself - is that I really feel like breaking the contract just to prove that it isn't real; that I'm done trying to prove who I am. That's funny because I was thinking those thoughts a year ago when I began therapy. I've forgotten about them until I got to writing this entry.

A year later and I'm still not very sure where to start.

Oh wait, that's right! Matthew.

You'll think I planned this as some grand lead-in to a Bible verse that I want to throw at you, but... well, I didn't. Honestly I just now remembered the verses I was trying to memorize this morning. One of them was, "He who seeks his life will loose it, but he who looses his life for My (Jesus) sake will find it."

posted by Scott # 2:49 PM

Comments: Post a Comment

<< Home