Tuesday, April 11, 2006

bloated

Yesterday's vomiting onto TextEdit (yes, I'm on a Mac) seemed to do me a little good. So like any fast learning lab gerbil I figured I'd try it again today. I see it as a new spin on my handwritten journal only it's legeable if still not correctly spelled.

I'm in the midst of something described in Matthew 6. I'd say more about what, but in the passage it says that you aren't supposed to do a lot of talking about it. I'm vascilating on whether that means I should even allude to it or not... but I just did. So I guess I made a decision of sorts already.

But my reason for bringing it up is to observe that I didn't know you could feel so stuffed from drinking four types of juice simultaniously. I actually feel like I just gorged on junk food. So I have all the pain of having eaten a Big Mac with Fries and a Coke (which I have intentionally not done is quite some time) with none of the pleasure. V8 and bolthouse farms should not effect you this way.

And all of this because I'm on a quest for joy. Makes sense, right?

I figured since Holy Week came at me way before I had time to really prepare my heart with a good solid Lent examination, and since I have been finding myself overly busy and prone to emotional trainwrecks of late, why not slow way down and start re-centering my soul.

Let me ask you something. What would you expect out of that?

If you consciously took the time and effort to clear out your schedule for a whole week, try to get to bed on time, get up on time, eat... different, etc. what would you expect.

Actually I need to ask myself that. I am not sure what I expected. I think I expected it to be easy and for God to say, "Cool" and hit the button marked "Scott Hopkins: Joy".

However, true to form, Jesus has not come the way I expected, or would have expected had I taken the time to expect something.

Now, He has most certainly come. I cannot question that. Why? Because my world, it is a-changin'. The Bible is doing that thing it does where you try to read your set number of chapters and you can't. Not because you keep falling asleep, but because you keep finding things that make you go, "oooh! [sigh] but... [cringe] [cringe]". In other words I've been confronted with a lot of my sin and bad choices.

The last two mornings have found me in deep turmoil. Part of it has been over a young woman I treated pretty poorly. Mostly by trying to be a nice guy. Accompanying that has been the fear that maybe I have missed the boat entirely on my friendships with the women around me. A fear that my entire worldview on whether or not women and men can be "just friends" has been simply wrong.

Who want's their worldview to be proven wrong? Not me. Unless, of course my worldview is wrong.

Another cringe has come from the realization that my once victorious, bondage breaking desire for a simple life free of consumerism has been buried in a laundry pile of impulse purchases and credit card debt. I've made light of my debt and by comparison to those around me I'm very in-the-black. I think it's time that I admit this is not good; that I have symptoms that point to bad spending habits; that I make purchases I don't always need; that I feel bad about myself because of it.

But the interesting thing that I've noticed is that as I write all this out I don't see a drama. I don't see this epic struggle between desire and holiness. Nor do I see a sarcastic, sadistic god (one who acts like I would) saying, "Ha Ha! I'll show you a path to joy... THROUGH SUFFERING! A Ha Ha Ha! (Z-Z-Zap!)"

I just see a Father saying, "OK. I'm glad you finally want My joy. Now let's get down to it. This has been getting in your way. This too."

It's a very subtle a-ha moment. God has made some connections that I wouldn't have with no fanfare and no mountain-top. Just another couple of steps in His direction.

The only real tangible feeling I have right now apart from a simple contentment is the sensation that maybe I should have had less juice. I'm feeling kinda bloated.

posted by Scott # 10:37 AM

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