Friday, October 14, 2005

I want my art back

Last night at a meeting I realized that I want my art back. For years now I've only done design because other people said I was good. Praise from friends an family told me I should "do what I love" and the faculty at the design program in college learned not to criticise me (perhaps for my temper and defensiveness) so their lake or criticism was acquiescent affirmation. But I've found many opportunities over the years to hate what I "love to do".

I enjoy art. More than drawing I love pulling from a growing supply of resources and making something new out of something otherwise unnoticed. In the end I love to be creative.

And I want my creativity back.

I didn't know last night what I wanted it back from, but here's what I can tell you so far. I want to reclaim art from employment, from doing. I thought that meant I didn't want to do it professionally any more, but I think that's off. I want my creativity and ability to no longer be what I employ to get others to approve and redeem my value as a person. I no longer want to use my abilities (and there are many. I am good and even great at a lot of things.) to buy love. Because my abilities are far more useful and valuable than the cheap imitation love that they can buy and I've grown to hate them because if these abilities are supposed to buy me love they aren't holding the promise that I heard.

Because these promises have been broken I have become very angry. I used to be depressed and turn that anger inward, but now I unleash it on others. That's not working either. I need something that keeps the promise.

I think God intends to reveal to me in the following weeks, months, years how deep it is that He does that.

So I want my art back. My soul. And I want it Independent of any thing I do. I want it before I feel like I deserve it.

I'll tell you when I start finding that.

posted by Scott # 12:54 PM

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